crazy

i just read this article and it addressed one of my least favorite injustices in our society. so many times i have heard that this girl is "crazy" from boys or even other girls. i am even guilty of saying this. i believe that there are not just 2 sides to every story, but more likely 4 or 5. i hate that if someone is behaving in a certain way we don't like or agree with, we just assume they are crazy and discredit how they are feeling. we are all entitled to how we feel. that's what makes us human... and feelings are absolutely real to the person feeling them so who am i to tell them they should feel otherwise... i don't know if that even makes sense . this article says it better so sit down and have a good read:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/harris-oamalley/on-labeling-women-crazy_b_4259779.html

being better

the last few of weeks... ok the last couple of months have been some of the toughest of my life. but mostly the last few weeks. i went through a breakup and got really sick. on top of that, i have been freaking out about what to do after graduation. i have been going through a sort of a mid twenties crisis, figuring out what do i want in life, in love, in my faith. i have by no means figured anything out yet, and i'm sure i won't figure it out until it happens. but this quote really had me thinking today, so i thought i would share. i think this time is for me to become different from my college self. better than my college self. i definitely succeed some days and fall flat on my face most of the others. but we can only grow by trying right?

now if i can just make it through this week before thanksgiving break! 

xoxo

I read this article this morning and it just spoke to me. Maybe because I am 23, single, and about to graduate, but it is exactly the thoughts that have been bouncing around my head for the last year or so. I hate that I put a stigma on me and those around me who aren't married that we are lesser human beings for being single... Anyway, this article is definately changing my view on living.

SINGLE AND NOT WAITING

Flickr photo by Acy Varlan

I’m 23, I just graduated from university, and I’m single.

Many of my friends are married, and a few are starting to have children. And I feel as if I just graduated from high school again. You could say my life is in transition. And it’s true; I am in the middle of shifting myself from university to the career world. But I’ve started to wonder about whether it’s right to refer to my singleness as an in-between stage.

What exactly am I in-between again?

“It’s the first day of the rest of my life.” I recently I heard someone on TV say this about her wedding day, and it really bothered me. While I don’t want to discount the gift of marriage, I must say I’m a bit confused and frustrated with this sentiment. I’ve heard the cliché before, but I suddenly felt the weight of it. As if it equates marriage as the start of life, or at least the good part.

Don’t misunderstand my frustration; I think there is a beautiful element of starting a new family with your spouse. I’m all for godly marriage. But what I’m afraid of is viewing life through the lens of marriage as the goal. For waiting to get married before life starts.

I’m afraid, because I’m afraid it has happened to me. I’ve been living like I’m waiting for someone to get here. And it isn’t Jesus.

I’ve wasted my time, my energy, and my emotions on this concept that singleness is just a waiting room for a relationship. I’m tired of this view that my life begins when I wake up next to my husband, because I’m pretty sure my life began 23 years ago when my mom gave birth. And this mentality has robbed my joy.

As much as I’d like to place all the blame on Christian culture, the perpetual “Have you met anyone yet?” question the world asks me, and the reality that my Facebook feed looks more like a Pinterest wedding board these days, I am convicted of my own failures.

I’ve been living like God owes me something. Like he hasn’t held up his end of the deal. He has given me the desire for relationship and marriage, and he just hasn’t followed through.

I’ve been living under the impression that I deserve a relationship.

I’d be lying if I said Christian culture does much to inhibit this mentality. There seems to be a deep understanding and appreciation for the gift of marriage, but not so much for the gift of singleness (if it’s treated like a gift at all). Rather, singleness is something to be cured. Like I’ve got a disease, and introducing me to your single friend might perhaps cure us both. Singleness is the lump of coal, the gift that is never on your Christmas list.

There are at least a handful of us standing around, wondering what happened. (After all, I have been pretty nice this year.)

But it’s never been about being entitled, or even about being nice. I have to stop thinking that I’m doing something wrong here.

Well actually I am, but it isn’t about fixing something that will magically make a boyfriend appear. It is about changing the direction of my heart.

 “I’d rather have the right God than the wrong man.” –- Christen Rapske

People talk all the time about pursuing people or things for the wrong reasons, but maybe we pursue God for the wrong reasons. Maybe subconsciously I’ve been treating God like he’s a vending machine. And my pursuit of him has really been a pursuit of someone else.

When did Christ cease to be enough?

And when did I stop finding my identity, self-worth, and fulfillment in Him, only to place my life on hold for someone I’ve never even met?

Each day is a gift, and I’m not waiting for it to get here. It is present in every moment, and it begins anew daily.  Man-less or not, I want to wake up every morning and be excited because I get to spend my day with the God who created the universe.

And I want to do that for the rest of my life.

http://convergemagazine.com/single-waiting-9283/

22 ways to happy

I just read this list and felt there is alot I can work on. I have been feeling especially sluggish this last month because the end of my schooling is so close I can almost touch it. With that, I have lost all motivation because, to be honest, I am just tired. 5 years of school. I am mostly excited, but the other day I woke up from a nap (let's not talk about how I take one every day these days) in a panic because my life is changing from the 5 years of monotony which I have been living in. 

But my goal is to be more happy and to find more joy in the journey!

Happy Wednesday!

the violet

here is just a sneak peak from one of my favorite magazines, the violet. you should really check out the fall issue here.

also i hope you haven't forgotten about this week's health challenge! eating three veggies a day. not gonna lie, i'm usually a pro at this. but this week, i haven't had time to go to the grocery store, and let me just say i can feel it...

luckily i still have four more days to rectify this! hope you are doing better.

xoxo

health

i really like reading this blog. the writer talks about health a lot because she went through and is still struggling with an intense case of bulimia. she really has some great advice on body image. she is challenging her readers to 12 weeks of health. but also to cut the "fat-talk."the "i'm so fat today" or "i can't believe i ate so much." i thought i would share her health chart here in case you wanted to go on the journey of health with me.

so here is to 12 weeks of health!

xoxo

easy?

i always imagine that each year of college will somehow get easier. that i will have finally gotten the ropes on how to live this whole college life. that i would be a pro at dating by now. that i would finally be able to figure out how to live a balanced life. that i would achieve all my dreams. 

but reality, my reality at least, is far from that. dating is just as hard as ever. some recent experiences make me question my decision of going into music all the time. and i'm still not sure what i am going to do when i graduate. granted i experience new things every day. so maybe things will take a turn for the better...

who knows what 22 and super-senior year will bring.

my morning read

"as i'm getting older i'm coming to realize the simplest advice is usually the best. the path of least resistance, the most efficient--go figure!

of course, there are always exceptions. sometimes it's not so easy. sometimes it takes a little more work. sometimes you can't just pick up the phone because there's been too much time and too much heartache and something in your gut is telling you that you must wait.

but maybe sometimes it's as easy as doing what you want. following that gut feeling that says yes or no--that gut instinct so unrelated to pride and pomp.

because at least then you're owning you're own experience. at least then you make the rules and it's easier to live with the good or the bad that eventually follows. because you did what was right for you. and that's no small feat." 

via here

p.s. i don't think honey greek yogurt and granola will ever not be the most satisfying breakfast in the world.

xoxo

just breathe

you know, most of the time i think i know myself pretty dang well.

and then i spend days like today, trying to figure out what in the world  i am feeling. fear? distrust? apathy? disappointment?

i am a very complicated person it turns out. i want to be simple. but now i'm not sure that simple will ever be an option.

complicated is interesting but confusing.

i think no matter how i try to let it go, the past will always influence me.

emotions are so complex. when do we get the handbook for how to read them? and can i pre-order it? ha

"sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. just breathe. and have faith that everything will work out."

well. i will try to just breathe.

xoxo

"I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion."


Jack Kerouac

hung-up running....

thoughts

maybe it does take a crisis to get to know yourself. maybe you need to get whacked hard by life before you understand what you want out of it.

living alone

On Roommates, and Not Having Them.

Living alone is the bees knees. No, let me be clear. It is the sh*t. Everyone should try living alone sometime. And not just alone, alone. You can live alone with a dog, or a fish, or a cat (although, eugh, why would you? cats truly are evil incarnate), or a really friendly houseplant, or a special someone. And by a special someone, I don't mean a roommate. I mean a special someone. Who you sleep in bed with. Because this is all about living alone, remember? And your special someone counts as you living alone. I feel that once you have gotten to the place where you can turn over in the middle of the night onto your special someone's pillow and fall back asleep in a puddle of their drool and not really notice, they have ceased to be a completely separate person from you. But I do think you should maybe try to live alone for a bit before you procure your special someone, if you can. Just imagine... you, and your apartment, finally having some quality time all by yourselves. 

Now don't think I am totally against roommates, I don't think roommates are life-ruiners who ruin people's lives. Although sometimes they can be. I'm just against roommates forever. Or at least consecutively. I just happen to think that there is a time in every gal's (or guy's) life when the need to know EXACTLY WHAT IS INSIDE OF YOUR FRIDGE becomes significantly more important than knowing that someone may have "accidentally" deleted the last episode of Mad Men on the DVR. Oh wait, those things both stink. I mean- roommates can be fun! Sometimes!

When I was in college I lived with three (3!!!!) other people. Two guys and a girl. The girl, who was (and absolutely is still) an awesome person on the whole, had several peccadillos that began to grate on my nerves almost immediately. She had this way of wanting to try everyone else's food.... not steal it, necessarily, but if you were, say eating carrots and hummus, she would be all: "ooh! carrots and hummus! what a GREAT idea!" and you would have to be all: "please, totally have some with me" and THEN (and this is the part I simply could not handle) when she couldn't finish the LAST BITE OF HER CARROT she would wrap it up in a piece of paper towel, and put it in the fridge. She did this with everything. Apples, sandwiches, Fig Newtons, single wedges of clementine. Girlfriend just wanted to save that last bite for later. In billions of little freaking paper towel pieces all wrapped up. IN THE FRIDGE RIGHT NEXT TO MY ORANGE JUICE!!! AHHHHH!!! 

So there's that.

But this isn't my place to word vomit all over the place about my many former roommates. Because ultimately all of my (and everyone else's too) roommates can be categorized into two very simple groups:

People Who Are My Wonderful Friends In Real Life But Are Ultimately Hard To Live With On Some Level, and
People Who Are NOT My Wonderful Friends But Are Random Horrible People Who Scream At Me For Taking Long Showers Or Using Their Sugar

Which brings me back to: Living Alone. Starring, you. 


Why is living alone so fantabulously wonderful? 

1) Nudity.
This one is a biggie for me, friends. Outside of the fact that I love purchasing skirts and tops and colored jeans in places I cannot afford, like Anthropologie, I deeply resent clothes. I am so much happier doing all activities fully nude. Watching TV? Nude. Reading a book? Naked. Eating some popcorn and drinking a glass of wine? Undressed, thank you very much. Cleaning the house? This one's so obvious: if you do it while nude, you can't get bleach on your clothes! There are so many fun things to do in the buff I couldn't possibly list them all here. But you get me, right? When in the privacy of your own home, naked is your new little-black-dress. 

2) All the gross stuff is your gross stuff.
What's the weird gunk in the shower? Whose hair is on the toilet seat? These dirty exercise clothes in the corner, where did they come from? Why is there a plate with dried flakes of cheese on it in the sink that still hasn't been washed? 
These questions are so much easier to answer when you live by yourself. So much less finger pointing. You can take that finger and proudly turn it right back around on yourself, my independent friend! YOU made the mess! AWESOME! Do you feel like cleaning it up right away, possibly in the nude? Leaving it to rot for hours, days, weeks? DOUBLE AWESOME. You get to do that, my friend, because it's your mess and no one is going to come home all grumpy and tired after a long day of bartending/financial advising/studying/auditioning and leave you a passive-aggressive note about it.

3) Your fridge is your temple.
We've already touched on this, but this is one of the things you will begin to treasure about living alone. You know how living with roommates routinely places you in the position of discovering tupperware containers that contain ACTUAL MOLD at the back of your fridge which you are not allowed to immediately place in a hazmat bag and dispose of because it is not YOUR tupperware container? That will be a thing of the past. 

4) What is for sharing and what is for not sharing.
Having roommates makes the lines between mine and yours get very hazy. Obviously, you are sharing the couch. It possibly belongs to a specific roommate, but ultimately, no one is charging by the minute for sitting or even taking a long nap on the couch. However, spill a glass of red wine on the couch, and suddenly, just like magic, POOF! it belongs to Specific Roommate again and you have to reimburse her for the damages. Then again, roommates can double and even quadruple your apartment's milk needs. Why is it that no one can ever agree on milk? Why must you have your soy? Your non-fat? Your whole? Your almond? Your special organic brand from cows raised entirely on diets of conscientiously-farmed alfalfa? Why can't anyone just split a friendly half-gallon of 2% with me? 

5) And most importantly... Learning what you're like by yourself.
This might sound like some pretentious Eat, Pray, Love blather, but I think the most valuable thing about living alone is that you begin to find out what you are actually like as an adult inside your own head. We have such a good idea of what we're like around others- we are constantly projecting the self we want everyone else to see in social settings, at work, at school, at the bar after work, on the street walking to the bar after work, at our family's home, at our friend's homes, that we rarely get to see a glimpse of Actual Us. That person with her hair not just down, but frizzy. The person who sometimes just wants to come home to a completely quiet apartment and listen to showtunes while eating apples and cheese for dinner while wearing nothing but a bath towel. And not have to worry that someone may walk in at any moment with a spontaneous gathering of friends who all want to change the channel. 

I admit that living alone can seem financially daunting. Here in New York City, which has been scientifically proven to be the most overpriced city in the world, it can seem next to impossible. But I want to encourage you to make it happen at some point! Even if it's just for a year. Do what you need to do to afford it: join a cheaper gym, cancel the extended cable, buy the generic brand, consider living in Brooklyn or Queens (but not the Bronx) (or Staten Island), use your imagination and begin embracing the idea of "studio apartment" to mean "room possibly smaller than my childhood bedroom". You are about to embark on the Great Adventure of Living Alone and once you put a cute rug on the floor and some art on the walls, that tiny room is gonna look like home. I think so many people are only willing to live by themselves in New York unless their apartment can be Meg Ryan's from "You've Got Mail". But you don't need that enormous brownstone to be happy in your own space in the city (am I right, though? Does it not appear that Meg actually owns that entire brownstone?! And apparently doesn't bother locking the door or even carrying a bag or purse when she leaves?!). It has also come to my attention that there are other places to live besides New York, and many of them make solo living quite affordable. So that's great.

Speaking of finances, I haven't even mentioned the number one annoyance of not living alone, which is Constant Awkward Conversations About Money. Sharing an apartment with someone means you're sharing one of your largest monthly expenses (and here I mean your rent as well as utilities, internet and usually cable) with a person who may have questionable financial habits. Possibly you have questionable financial habits too, but they are ALL YOURS and if you are late with the rent, you have no one to blame but yourself. Roommates create a giant black hole of Weird Money Problems just by existing. When are they going to give you the check for their half of the rent? Can you charge them more than their share of the electricity because they insist on never turning off the A/C or lights when leaving the house? Why did they buy new and expensive dishsoap that you don't even like and then magnetize the receipt to the fridge with the note: "you owe = $3.78"?

Anyway, who's been ranting in here? Oh, me. Sorry about that. I realize that this is just my personal pile of issues having to do with roommates, and you may disagree with them entirely, and who's to say you're not right as well. But just think of what fun it could be having a living space uncluttered with anyone else's personal piles of issues! Think of what an irritating roommate I must be! Doesn't this entire article just make you want to run off to your own private island so you don't have to listen to me complain anymore?! 

That's what I thought.

... 

i read this while i drank my tea this morning and started laughing out loud. so funny. 
 

words

you don't owe a man love simply because he loves you. you don't choose who you love. you will fall in love for better or for worse mostly against your will. what you do with that love--that will be the choice, yes. but don't attempt to give love to a man simply because you think you should.



should. a mostly terribly, unhelpful word. get rid of it. throw it out. eradicate it from your vocabulary. and build a vocabulary. be better read than the person next to you. intelligence is not a liability. don't apologize for what you know or how you know it.


real power doesn't ever diminish another person. your success doesn't mean another person's failure.


figure out what you love and never apologize for it.


loving yourself and investing in that love does not make you self-centered or an egoist or too proud. it makes you about as smart as you can ever hope to get in this life. that love becomes the well-spring of faith and empathy and imagination and boundless courage...

-meg fee 

"We are not nouns, we are verbs. I am not a thing--an actor, a writer--I am a person who does things--I write, I act--and I never know what I am going to do next. I think you can be imprisoned if you think of yourself as a noun."

Stephen Fry

lost.

i cried today.
and i'm tired.
and i'm ready for change but i feel like i'm running in a never ending circle.

"Time is tricky. You have whole months, even years, when nothing changes a speck, when you don't go anywhere or do anything or think one new thought. And then you can get hit with a day or an hour, or half a second, when so much happens, it's almost like you are born all over again into some brand-new person you for d*mn sure never expected to meet."

E.R. Frank


i am a new person. no matter what happens to me. or what recycled experiences come my way. i am new. i have grown. i am becoming who i want to be. slowly. very slowly. but i am growing all the same. 

or so i feel...

"A poet is somebody who feels, and who expresses his feelings through words.This may sound easy, but it isn't. A lot of people think or believe or know they feel -- but that's thinking or believing or knowing; not feeling. And poetry is feeling -- not knowing or believing or thinking. Almost anybody can learn to think or believe or know, but not a single human being can be taught to feel. Why? Because whenever you think or you believe or you know,you're a lot of other people: but the moment you feel, you're nobody-but-yourself.To be nobody-but-yourself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. As for expressing nobody-but-yourself in words, that means working just a little harder than anybody who isn't a poet can possibly imagine. Why? Because nothing is quite as easy as using words like somebody else. We all of us do exactly this nearly all of the time - and whenver we do it, we are not poets. If, at the end of your first ten or fifteen years of fighting and working and feeling, you find you've written one line of one poem, you'll be very lucky indeed. And so my advice to all young people who wish to become poets is: do something easy, like learning how to blow up the world -- unless you're not only willing, but glad, to feel and work and fight till you die. Does this sound dismal? It isn't. It's the most wonderful life on earth.Or so I feel."

e.e. cummings

new years resolution

... and i would add laugh always.