yes. we are adorable. and slightly crazy. but i will seriously miss these people. they have literally become my family over the past two years. i have spent so many countless hours, late nights, happy moments, and moments of complete hopelessness with them. i just don't think you can understand the intensity of the byu music program unless you are in the thick of it. i look back and wonder if i knew how difficult it would be, would i have applied? (well of course. because i'm a gluten for punishment ha)
i remember getting in and thinking it must have been a joke or some sort of mistake. see, i applied my freshman year and got denied. i thought i had a respectable and even impressive resume, but i was wrong. so i went and talked to the head of the department, dr. broomhead, about what i could improve. he basically said i was arrogant and had no self-esteem all at the same time. i'm still not sure i understand what he was trying to say...
anyway.
well i applied again, against an even larger applicant pool. which meant there was a 8% chance (that is an exaggeration, i don't really know that) of getting in. i thought my interview went terrible and had resigned myself to being a middle eastern studies major. then one day i got an email about a music ed scholarship application. how could this be? was this an accident? because i would know if i had been accepted right? i emailed the department back and they told me that apparently the acceptance emails had not gone out yet, but... congratulations on getting accepted! i just sat at my computer and cried.
fast forward a couple of months. the first semester of the program is probably the hardest of them all. the thing is, the professors are still trying to weed people out. as if the portfolio of teaching videos, music auditions, grueling interviews, and multiple essays wasn't enough. it worked though. half of the class of 2010 changed majors. that semester involved being up by 6 am every morning. we had to learn multiple instruments with enough competency to teach students within 6 weeks ( i still cannot play trumpet to this day... but i will always love the laughter is brought when i did try to play). we taught lessons to public school children without any instruction on how to teach. basically every day was a day of chaos. but the bonding that occurred because of it was incredible. i never will forget staying up til 3 am composing pygmy style music, getting insulted by my professors at 8 am (my glasses and sexual harassment. stories for another day...) laughing til we cried because we literally were going crazy, or the car rides to our schools to observe or teach, or the epic road trip to st. george for a convention.
i don't know if the following semesters really got easier, or if we just figured out how to live like crazy people. i think we just embraced the crazy. we made the hfac our home. singing children songs and dancing with sister kenny. being the first violinist in the second violins of the orchestra and living on timpani island. playing drum pads and cursing. taking pace tests for sight singing. composing things that barely pass for music for music theory. making beautiful music in our choirs.
this program has crushed my self esteem and then raised it back up. the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. the hours and hours of practicing for juries and recitals. the moments of tears in practice rooms with each of my friends after auditions or just simply not being able to sing that song you have practiced 10,000 times once more. the fear that comes into your heart when you feel a scratch in your throat because the worst thing in the world is you getting sick one more time. the late night vent sessions. the hysterical laughter that comes when you have been running on four hours of sleep for over two weeks. ice cream for breakfast because it is the ONLY thing you can think of that will make you happy.
i would never have survived without these precious souls. and now we are splitting up. some of us are going on missions. some of us are doing student teaching. some of us are taking it slow because we need a mental break. it is really sad to split, but i know we will be colleagues and friends forever.
i know i personally have taken a mental and physical break from music. was i suppose to take classes this summer? yes. did i? nope. best decision ever. i haven't sung a real note or touched a piano key in over a month and a half. i kind of thought i had given all my musicality away and would never get it back. but i can tell you that two days ago i played through rachmaninov's prelude in c# minor for the first time in months. and i missed practicing. maybe i miss the adrenaline of performing... maybe there is hope.
it's not even a maybe. there is hope.
xoxo
